I hope this message finds you well. I’m quite confident that you’re having a grand ole time laughing in the face of my pain like you always do. It’s what you’re good at, so there’s that. While I and my husband may be suffering to some minor degree for minor things in the grand scheme, it is at least comforting that your joy is being fed.
I wanted to take a moment to check with you and see if it might be possible to make the following adjustments to my daily allotment of disasters, negativity and unplanned, savings-draining assholery. Quite frankly, I think that my husband and I have had to take on more than our fair share as of late and would deeply appreciate if you could redistribute the following piles of shit for another person or group to shovel for a while. I only need this done until we can catch up on the disasters that have gone past their due date. After we’ve shored up the levies, then you may resume the regularly allotted shit storm.
- I wonder if you could please increase the amount of positive energy in the customers that call my department for the service I provide. For the last two months, 85% of everyone who has phoned in has let me know in no uncertain terms that the solution that I have provided them was either ridiculous, “unacceptable,” too time consuming because they waited until the last minute or that it was technically over their head because they failed to read the step-by-step instructions that I provided. Also, it would be FAN-DAMN-TASTIC if you could stop putting 80+ year old volunteers in charge of computer database management. This adjustment would allow me to like the job that I do for more than just the first 10 minutes of my shift as well as have energy to complete domestic chores when Jay and I both get off.
- As you may know, Jay and I both suffer from chronic depression. We are both under a doctors care for this condition, but we feel that the sum-total of the following items has exceeded the limits of our medication:
- This week, one of our cat’s had to be euthanized following a prolonged illness. This was costly in emotional health, time off from work and in the cost of cremation of a pet whom we dearly loved.
- For the last two months, we have both lacked energy to clean our house after work (See request 1). Consequently, my house is a wreck. There is a pile of dishes in the sink that may very constitute an FAA violation, or at the very least a DHEC violation, our surviving cat has managed to vomit and leave hairballs on everything I love and hair tumbleweeds are rolling around the living room, the size of which could constitute one additional dog.
- On 06-March, our SUV broke down in the middle of traffic in the center lane of North Charleston’s busiest street today. The repair is expected to cost about $600.
- While trying to get the car out of the road, rather than even one person offering to assist, more than 14 cars passed by, the drivers shouting epithets out their window at my husband or extending their middle finger or both. My friend Jason, whom I confided in shortly after, correctly pointed out that I should be thankful that this didn’t happen on Highway 17 in Mt. Pleasant because some rich bastion of chardonnay and Botox would have just hit us and then filed a lawsuit against us for being poor.
- Also on 06-March, my wallet exploded while trying to pay for a cup of coffee at Starbucks. This sent credit cards careening all over a restaurant filled with self-centered Mt. Pleasant, SC residents who also wanted coffee and voiced their displeasure in the form of sighing and teeth-sucking while I took approximately 35 seconds to pick my life up off the floor and issue payment.
- After receiving said coffee, I banged my head on the roof of the car trying to get into it, immediately giving me a headache.
If one or more of the above items could be mitigated, or if I could be granted enough motivation to at least clean hairballs and vomit off the kitchen table, bedroom floor & guest bed and maybe be allowed a bit more energy to fold laundry, that would be very helpful indeed.
- Jay and I have been trying to save for a project. We are trying to save enough money to get moved back to Savannah, GA. We’d set a date to do this, but in light of the disasters that you, the universe, keep flinging at us, we have been unable to save even half of the required budgetary requirement to make the move, thus leaving us stuck here, in Charleston. With Botox queens soaked in chardonnay, unbearable traffic created by people who get their license from a Captain Crunch box and folks who extend their middle finger rather than lend a helping hand.
So Universe, if in your daily routine of just really making things needlessly difficult for people who largely mind their own business and seek to live their lives out in peace and happiness; you could see fit to put our subscription to generalized terribleness on hold for a bit, or even if you could scale back delivery, that would be really helpful.
According to noted scientist Bill Nye, pleading with the universe is an ultimately pointless venture because the nature of the universe never changes. However, it should be known that I am pleading less with the Universe directly and more with the people and spirit in it to simply seek to be better and more positive and more helpful and stop being so self-serving SO FUCKING ALWAYS. If you’re reading this, your take away is that the world is only as good as what you put into it and there is always someone who may benefit from you simply taking 10 minutes out of your day to help push someone’s car into the median. I promise you won’t miss the 10 minutes.